I wanted to take a moment to offer up my personal farewell to thee, seeing as how you are on your last few hours within this thing we call reality. Of course I understand you probably feel the piling on you’ve endured over the last twelve months has been excessive and I will do my best to not add to already mountainous heap of hatred you’ve experienced.
Unfortunately, sometimes our best isn’t good enough…but I will endeavor to try.
How it all began
You took Bowie. I could end this whole thing here, but that wouldn’t be fare to everything else that occurred throughout the year. But Bowie? Really? We loved him…a lot. On top of which, we needed him to hold the fabric of the universe together. That’s how special David Bowie was. How exactly do you think we’ll make it through this damnable circus without reality’s very glue?
After the loss of Bowie, you next gave us Zika. That’s right, the latest-greatest scare-fest to spread through the main stream media like, well, a virus. With the Zika outbreak came the usual conspiracies and at some point I’m fairly certain you were blamed for the problem. I’d like to think you had nothing to do with this nasty little bit of evolution. If, however, you did…now might be a good time to ‘fess up.
And if Bowie and Zike weren’t enough, you stripped us of Alan Rickman, Dan Haggerty, Glenn Fry, Abe Vigoda, and Paul Kantner…in ONE MONTH! . Not fair, 2016. Not freakin’ fair.
February was fun
The month that was supposed to be dedicated to love, saw North Korea launch a long-range rocket into space, violating multiple UN treaties and prompting condemnation from around the world. Okay, so you got a free pass on this one. Had this been any other country, the blame would have most likely fallen on your shoulders. Even so, we aren’t certain you weren’t the one tempting Kim Jong Un into this action.
Have anything to say for yourself?
Not even for taking from us Joe Alaskey (the voice of Daffy Duck), Maurice White, Dave Mirra, Edgar Mitchell, Vanity, Harper Lee, Umberto Eco, Sonny James, and Tony Burton?
Marching into madness
Boy March was a fun month:
- March 14 – The ESA and Roscosmos launch the joint ExoMars Trace Gas Orbiter on a mission to Mars.
- March 21 – The International Criminal Court finds former Congolese Vice President Jean-Pierre Bemba guilty of war crimes and crimes against humanity, the first time the ICC convicted someone of sexual violence.
- March 22 – Three coordinated bombings in Brussels, Belgium kill at least 32 and injure at least 250. The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant claims responsibility for the attacks.
- March 24 – Ex-Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadži? is sentenced to 40 years in prison after being found guilty of genocide and crimes against humanity committed during the Bosnian War.
- March 27 – A suicide blast in Gulshan-e-Iqbal Park, Lahore kills 75 people and injures around 340 others with a militant Sunni Islamic organization claiming responsibility for targeting Christians celebrating Easter.
2016, do you have anything to say on your behalf? That’s a lot of death on your shoulders; so a confession or apology might go a long way to sway away the blame.
Not even for Pat Conroy, Nancy Reagan, George Martin, Keith Emerson, Frank Sinatra Jr., Phife Dawg, Joe Garagiola, Garry Shandling, and Jim Harrison?
A Panama April and a painful loss
Ah the ol’ dirty Panama Papers. Remember those? That was fun. How many noted persons and heads of state were proved to be linked to various and sundry off-shore accounts? I’ll give you credit for that one; I know you were doing your damnedest to make up for all the crap that had befallen the human race. Unfortunately, we humans are prone to short-term memory and forgot about it. Either that or the main stream media decided there were more profitable stories to be found. Either way, you tried.
It didn’t help that those papers were overshadowed by the loss of Erik Bauersfeld, Merle Haggard, Doris Roberts, Michelle McNamara, Papa Wemba, Billy Paul…and I’m forgetting someone here.
You cannot be forgiven for that. Losing Prince hurt too much. If you did have something to do with that loss, your suffering will be legendary. And don’t think we won’t find out.
May was almost okay
It looked like the worst thing to come of May might be the crash of EgyptAir Flight 804. But then you couldn’t stop ol’ Grim from having his way and pulling the likes of Afeni Shakur Davis, Jane Little, Emilio Navaira, Guy Clark, Morley Safer, and Nick Menza.
You almost managed to come out of an entire month unscathed.
Dare I say, Sorry not sorry?
June is busting out all the frakk over
Brexit. You just had to let it happen didn’t you? Couple that with a terrorist cell killing 45 people in Istanbul and you have the makings for one horrible month. Oh and let’s not forget that you took away Muhammad Ali, Theresa Saldana, Gordie Howe, Anton Yelchin, Ralph Stanley, Bernie Worrell, Bill Cunningham, Alvin Toffler, Scotty Moore, and Pat Summitt,
By the way, we should have seen Brexit as a sign of things to come–bad things–the worse things–all the worse things.
All told, this particular month wasn’t too painful. You gave us Stranger Things…which is a win in my book. Had it not been for the loss of Elie Wiesel, Noel Neill, and Garry Marshall, you might have come out of this 31-day period Scott-free. Nice try, 2016! Represent.
First off, you handed me the last year of my forties. I hate you for that.
And then you gave use the “Slummer Olympics” held in Rio de Janeiro and took away David Huddleston, Pete Fountain, Barry Jenner, Kenny Baker, Fyvush Finkel, Matt Roberts, Juan Gabriel, and Gene Wilder.
We had a hard time with that last one. Shame, shame; I know your name.
The climate of September
You scored a win in September. The US and China, together responsible for 40% of the world’s carbon emissions, both ratify the Paris global climate agreement. That was big. Go you!
But then the government of North Korea conducts its fifth and reportedly biggest nuclear test and global CO2 levels exceed 400 ppm at the time of year normally associated with minimum levels. Why do you hate us so much?
Oh wait, you’re not done. You decided we’d had enough of Jon Polito, Phyllis Schlafly, Lady Chablis, Alexis Arquette, Edward Albee, W.P. Kinsella, Bill Nunn, José Fernández, Arnold Palmer, and Shimon Peres.
You won October
Nice job, 2016. Nothing tragic happened. There was even some pretty good music released.
But then…November had to come along and spoil the fun.
Trumped up month
I need only remind you that you gave us Trump. Anything (and I do many anything) good you’ve accomplished this year was completely negated by this act. A treasonous imbecile as POTUS? Seriously? I realize the blame for this really rests on the shoulders of the American voters, but this was on your watch and you let us down…seriously, seriously down. I’m not going to say you could have taken him, instead of the list of “good guys” you removed from existence (I won’t, because I’m not the type to wish ill on anyone), but I will say you really proved your hatred for us with this one. But if that weren’t enough, you stole Janet Reno, Leonard Cohen, Robert Vaughn, Leon Russell, Gwen Ifill, Sharon Jones, Florence Henderson, Ron Glass, and Grant Tinker.
You will never be forgiven.
Happy, happy, joy, joy
We’re here…that last month of the year. Certainly you can’t wreck us further. Right? You started out with a study that found the VSV-EBOV vaccine against the Ebola virus between 70-100% effective, and thus making it the first proven vaccine against the disease. That’s good! Damn good. You could have gone out on a positive not. But then you had to take Greg Lake, John Glenn, Alan Thicke, Craig Sager, China Machado, Zsa Zsa Gabor, George Michael, Richard Adams, Carrie Fisher, and Debbie Reynolds.
Seriously, George Michael? There’ll be no careless whisper for you. Add to that, your taking of a mother and daughter within a day of one another…that’s low…even for you. That little move lost any and all respect you might have accrued since the election disaster.
I’m back to hating you. In fact, 2016, you are dead to me.
2016, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, I really did. In the end, however, you simply weren’t worthy. What little good you did was crushed by the unlimited supply of douchebaggery, tragedy, and stupidity to be found under your watch. So go. I give you leave, go!
2017, I hope you’ve followed your predecessor closely. If you haven’t learned anything from what 2016 did to humanity, you’ll get no respect or love from me this same time next year.