The Nice Guy Manifesto

In light of the recent tragedies (of which I refuse to speak any names to keep from riding on the coat tails of that story and/or giving a single ounce of credence to the man’s actions), I’ve decided to retaliate with my own personally manifesto — only, from the nice guy perspective.

There’s an old saying: “Nice guys finish last”. The quote is from baseball manager, Leo Durocher in 1939. The full quote was: “Take a look at them. They’re all nice guys, but they’ll finish last. Nice guys. Finish last.” Once I finish up my time machine, I will go back to that very moment Leo Durocher coined his infamous line and say “No, sir, you are wrong. In the end, nice guys finish first.

You see, I am a nice guy. And I am here to inform all of those forum trolls espousing hatred for women and the men who love and are loved by women — your ideologies and “manifestos” are so wrong as to be pure and utter lunacy. It is your buffoonery that not only gives my gender a bad name, it also is that which rains down suffering and fear upon women.

To that end, this is my manifesto.

I will respect my fellow humans with the same respect I would hope they would return to me.

I will never objectify women…in any way.

I will do my best to head bonk every kitty I come in contact with. And, if offered, will rub their bellies.

I will never feel as if I am owed anything, unless it is for services rendered.

I will treat all equally (whether they be above or below me in financial or social strata).

I will respect Mother Nature and her planet.

I will embrace other cultures.

I will never take advantage of my fellow humans.

I will always be honest.

I will always treat others with kindness.

I will offer my seat to women and senior citizens.

I will open the door for strangers.

I will always treat my wife as if every day is Valentines day.

I will always be honest with myself.

I will honor my fellow artists in every way I can.

I will respect and honor those in love.

I will help those I can, in any way I can.

I will always follow the Golden Rule.

I could continue on with this manifesto, but I feel certain you get the idea.

We live in an insane world, filled with crazy situations and crazy people. The last thing we need is an ever-growing population of people without a foundation built on respect and truth. As you navigate through the maddening waters of life, it’s crucial to embrace the Nice Guy Manifesto. You need not fear you will trip and fall back down some imaginary corporate ladder, never get laid again, lose your street cred, or find every woman around you stolen by the bad boy who wouldn’t know respect if it slipped him a date rape drug and had its naughty, naughty way with him.

I promise you, live life according to this manifesto and everything will fall into place. Of course, nothing in the world is guaranteed (unlike how schools are weening children on the idea that ‘everyone wins’); but living your life in a positive way will offer up rewards you will never enjoy otherwise.

I am a nice guy and this is my manifesto.

Oh, and if you think nice guys never get the girl…I give you, my lovely wife (on the right) and step daughters.