Oh the horror! Not only is it the holidays (for those who dread the season), it’s also time to see all of those horrific holiday movies. Now, that’s not to say ALL holiday movies are bad…but those that are bad are wicked, evil bad (like bad-tastic bad). So, I wanted to save you all from those head shakingly bad (and not in a fun-tastic B Movie bad way) movies. So, pull on your satin jammies and read on my lovelies.
Tim Allen, you should have given up a long time ago. You had a hit TV series (which I can’t figure out how), but every movie you touch seems to tank. The gist of the film? Allen and his wife (played by Jamie Lee Curtis) decide to skip decorating for Christmas and the neighbors take exception to the blasphemy. Yeah, that’s got Oscar written all over it.
Earnest Saves Christmas
Jim Varney. Need I say more? Not even when that goofy character was popular (and just why was that) could he save such a wretched movie. This film is all absurd and no fun. It’s a rubber faced schlock off that couldn’t have been saved even if the real Santa Clause brought it ratings for Christmas.
Jingle All The Way
Hollywood satires the holiday and it fails miserable. The story was simple: Ahhhnold fights a bunch of other dads to get the last of the perfect gifts for his son. It’s Ahhhnold…the whole setup is so transparent you could have predicted the goofy ending before the first kernel of corn was saturated with super-heated oil.
It stars Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron, and Gary Sinise AND IT FAILED! How can a film fail with Charlize Theron? I mean, Theron kicked ass in The Italian Job! Oh, that’s the problem, this film just wanted to BE the Italian job, but was too mired in bad screen writing and a bad holiday tie-in.
Ummmm, yeah…buried deep within the heart of this film is a family preparing heroine for their family drug business. New York city crime dramas should never be coupled with Christmas. It simply doesn’t work. Period. But really? Heroine? Who in the Hell thought that would be even remotely enjoyable? No one, that’s who.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
No…not the whimsical wonder that was the original cartoon (as that was Christmas at its best). This is the live-action remake with goof-ball, rubber faced, over-acting Jim Carey. Yes, I’m going to catch a DD Bra cup sized load of flack for including this one, but man The Grinch should NOT have been touched.
Santa With Muscles
Hulk Hogan really wanted a film career and he brought his A game while in front of the camera of this absolutely steaming pile of poo-tastic cinema. This film is so bad, it’s been on the Internet Movie Database’s bottom 100 movies of all time more than once. The plot? Man makes millions selling supplements, is chased by the police, hides in a mall, dons a Santa suit, hits his head, gets amnesia…thinks he’s Kris Kringle. Why was this film ever made?
Home Alone 3
Why did I skip Home Alone 2? Because Home Alone 3 takes the badness to 11. It’s dreadful and doesn’t even have that cheeky little prankster of a child actor Macaulay Culkin to give it even the tiniest bit of charm. On top of that, there’s a terrorist plot in the film. Ummmm yeah, a nine year old will fend off a terrorist plot. Maybe the US Government should hire a few of those.
It’s Christmas Time Again Charlie Brown
I hate this. I hate the fact that a Charlie Brown movie could ever possibly make it on a worst list. But this film just never should have seen the light of day. The voices weren’t the same, Sally does nothing but dwell on getting (instead of giving), Charlie Brown faces a spending dilemma, and everyone suffers stage fright before the annual school play. What really made this film worse was the lack of Vince Guaraldi music.
Now, how’s about a snippet from my FAVORITE Christmas movie of all time, A Wish For Wings That Work, staring Opus the Penguin and Bill The Cat. Ack!
And there you have…my short list of the worst holiday films ever. Do you have one you’d like to add? Or would you like to defend one of the films I’ve listed? The holidays can be such hard times for some, why make matters worse by subjecting those around you to such dreadful cinema? Unless, of course, it’s a themed party and you plan on riffing away like those wacky guys from Mystery Science Theatre 3000!