I can’t even begin to tell you how many times the Zombie King gets this question. “Will there ever really be a zombie apocalypse?” Well, my lovely readers, the answer to that question is a resounding “Yes!” How can I say that? Aren’t zombies fiction? Hello? Have you ever watched the Republican National Convention?
I kid the Republicans.
Anway…Yes, the apocalypse will happen. It’s inevitable. And when it does, I want all of my gorgeous readers and fans out there to be pre – wait for it – pared.
Many think that surviving the onslaught of the undead horde will mean nothing more than stocking up on as many weapons of zombie destruction as possible. That is not necessarily true. All of those automatic weapons and hand grenades you piled up in your basement? Noise makers. You know what noise does? Attracts the damned. And you know what else about guns will have you dropping f-bombs left and right? Guns need what? Say it with me…
You run out of ammo and that machine gun is nothing more than an awkward club. So, the idea of stockpiling weapons is good, but not ideal. Instead, your choice of weaponry is all about variety…’tis the spice of life after all. Let me list out for you the weapons I would suggest you have on hand, just in case the shambling army marches your way.
- Machete: It’s easy to swing, easy to pack, and will slice and dice nicely.
- Shovel: Sharpen the end and you can lop off a head and bury the dead.
- Crossbow: The SBD (Silent But Deadly) of Zombie weapons. Just have to know how to find one and use one.
- Fire: Fire bad! Uhhhhgh! Impossible to control in chaos, but when you need to dismantle a group of the walking dead, you can’t beat man’s first invention (After prostitution of course — oh wait, that was a profession, not an invention.)
- Baseball bat: A swing and a miss will only get you one thing – Dead. But if you can connect with the head that zombie could be – wait for it – that’s right…dead.
- Lady GaGa: If she’s around, she’ll be wearing ridiculously high heels. One swift push and she’s on the ground, giving you all the chance you need to escape.
I hate this, I really do, but your best chance at survival (in the short term), provisions wise, is junk food. That’s right, I said it…junk food. Why? It doesn’t go bad and it’s easy to find. But junk food isn’t the only means of nutrition during the apocalypse. When the virus hits, here’s what’ll be in my pack:
- Energy bars: Give me a few boxes o’ Cliff Bars and I’m good to go. And with all those yummy flavors, you’ll never get bored at meal time.
- Peanut Butter: How can you NOT pack some PB? It’s the perfect choice and it goes well with everything (except pizza — trust me, I tried this once.)
- Hot Pockets: Just kidding. Unless you’re Jim Gaffigan, then you can pack all the God Pockets you want.
- Morning Star Farms Products: I’m a veggitarian. I live off of these things. Besides, there’s nothing to go bad in them. Just make sure you’ve got some zippy baggies so you don’t get schmutz on everything else. You don’t really have to cook ’em either.
- Cans o’ beans: Let’s face it, there was a reason why the cowboys survived on the prairie like they did. Baked beans. The only problem with these delights is they can get kinda heavy. So pack a can or two and be done with it.
That little list should get you from one town to the next as you march your way to safety.
There’s always other crap you must have for survival. Here’s my list:
- Matches: Fire friend.
- Water purifying tablets: You have to drink and water will not always been potable.
- Small knife: You can’t cut small things with a machete.
- Duct tape: It holds the world together.
- Smart phone: Tweeting will be your salvation.
- MP3 Player: You have to stay sane…music will help you.
- Kindle or Nook: The I Zombie trilogy will help you make it through the apocalypse (What, you thought I’d go this whole time without a little pimpage? Shoo!)
And there you have it. My survival list. Take my advice, the apocalypse is coming…you want to be prepared. Don’t get caught with your skirt down when the horde arrives. Think ninja boyscout and you’ll make it out alive!