Humpday Horror: Hollywood-induced beauty

Oh Hollywood, you vile temptress you. How you taunt the planet with your idea of what beauty is. You toss caution and logic to the wind in lieu of an image of beauty no mortal could ever achieve. You force your children to spend the vast majority of their days in the gym and with trainers instead of honing their craft. And why? Because you think that’s what the public wants to see. That is a travesty to beauty.

Take a look at the picture to the left. You know who it is. You can’t NOT know who Marilyn Monroe is. Often considered one of the most beautiful women to ever walk the planet, should that woman you see there try to gain a foothold on Hollywood today, she’d be laughed out of the town. When Monroe did the film ‘Some Like it Hot” she was a size 16. That’s right, six-freakin-teen and she was smokin’ hawt in that film.

16 ladies. The worlds most beautiful woman was not a 0, a 2, a 4, or a 6 — she was all that and a few bags of chips. And she captivated the world with a beauty no one had seen before.

Now? A size 16 is not even a bit chubby. In Hollywood a size 16 is downright fat! The only time you see a size 16 is on the biggest loser. Well guess what — the only real losers are the ones pointing the fingers at those size 16 women and tossing their noses in the air in disgust.

Would you dare turn your nose up at the woman on your left there? I dare you. Look away, just try. That is Marilyn “Size 16” Monroe and you would be lucky to have that woman glance your way.

Curves. That’s right. Delicious curves.

But Hollywood has a different idea of what beauty is. Now, women look more like victims of starvation and eating disorders. No more is the classic beauty all the rage. Now the casting couch seems to be filled with woman sporting young boys bodies sporting overly large, overly fake breasts.

It’s disgusting. Look at Keira Knightly over there to the right. What is sexy about that? Oh sure, if you’re a skeleton looking for a three a.m. booty call, that size -2 bag o’ bones will be right up your ally. But if you’re a human male looking for a human female, and you’d prefer that over Miss Size 16 — you need therapy.

I want to say to Hollywood — shame on you. Shame on you for not only trying to force your horrific ideas of beauty on the public at large, but shame on you for making anorexia couture!

Horror, I say, horror!

But it doesn’t just end with the pencil-thin waist. Oh no. We must dive into much richer and darker hallows to find the true horror of Hollywood-induced beauty. The horror I now refer to is plastic surgery.

Look, I realize not everyone is born with Jolie lips or Parton breasts, but when is too much really too much? See that image on the left? That’s plastic surgery gone horribly wrong. A woman who claims her husband has a fascination with hit cats so she wanted to look like one.

Meow bitch, meow. Care for some kibble?

How is that Hollywood’s fault? Hollywood is the driving force behind beauty. Celebrities are nothing more than gateway drugs to the illusion of beauty. They all get lips, tits, teeth, cheeks, chins, tummies…asses.

Asses? Seriously? Come on, who in their right mind would get ass implants? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you exhibit Dumbass to the right.

Kim KardASShian. Yet another worthless celebrity who is famous for…you guessed it, being famous. She’s even gone to great lengths to have her ass x-rayed to prove it’s validity.

Hoo boy.

Seriously Hollywood…who are you trying to kid? We’ve gone from Marilyn Monroe to Kim Kardashian. Are you really proud of what you’ve accomplished? Don’t you think, maybe, you are in dire need of a reboot?

No, not rebooty…

Let’s all step back, take a breath, and remind ourselves — it’s just a movie. No one looks like that. No one should look like that. Women should have curves and men shouldn’t concentrate every second of their days on six-pack abs. What we should be concentrating on more is inner beauty. You find that and your outer beauty will shine through like a beacon in the night.

Beauty or horror? Marilyn or Kim. Which is it?