Humpday Horror: 10 Things I learned from B-Horror

B-Horror. The stuff of legends. Ed Wood, Roger Corman, William Castle — names that bring up reels of celluloid most would never watch. But B-Horror holds a quiet genius that can be overlooked. It’s a campy thrill fest that offers delight, laughter, some shock, mild frights, and pure joy. And, as always, there’s something to be learned from those horrible classics. In fact, there are at least ten things to be learned. Let’s take a look, shall we? MU. HA. HA?

1. The evil scientist must always have a lesser side-kick. That’s right, if you are a mad scientists and you plan on doing anything such as take over the world, you MUST have a side kick of lesser intelligence, strength, humor, and looks. This should go without saying and is probably written in the Union of Mad Science bylaws. Without a lesser side kick there is NO way you are taking over the world.

2. If you think you can take over the world, think again… you can’t. Even with that lesser side kick, the chance of you taking over the world are slim to none. This is especially true if you are following the path of some dark lord or a beast you discovered in some cave on a beach or Yucca Flats. Although the voices in your head are tempting, they are most likely wrong. You will not succeed. But you will have fun trying. So have at that master plan!

3. Bugs and nuclear power do not make good bedfellows. This one should be common sense to all you evil no-good doers out there. If you are planning to use nuclear power for anything (such as run your secret lab, your super car, or your jet pack), make sure you test, build, experiment with the making of these nuclear devices AWAY FROM BUGS! If you don’t, you will wind up with a bus sized Mantis that will rape you and chop off your head. And then that 50 Foot Mantis will take out its sexual frustration on the rest of the world.

4. The old creepy guy next door can NOT be trusted with your wife. Those crazy eyebrows? That sinister smile. The eye balls peeking through the curtains throughout the day? Yeah, that old guy. There’s just something about him you can’t put your finger on. And just why does he never come outside of his house when the sun is out? You let him get his moth ball smelling fingers hooked onto your skin and you’re done for. He is either a mad scientist, a ghoul, or worse — just really, really lonely.

5. Do NOT touch the glowing green meteor. I don’t care how funny Stephen King was in Creepshow (Meteor Shit!), you do not want to touch that glowing meteor — especially if it’s glowing GREEN! Glowing red? Well, that’s just probably heat, so go on and cop a feel. But if that bitch is glowing green, it will most likely turn you in to Swamp Thing, Godzilla, or Deny Terrio.

6. The tall thin woman in the hobble skirt and insanely high heels is ridiculously hot, but she wants to do more with you than dance. No one has ever brought more class and lust to B Horror than Elvira. I mean look at her (above the chest — come on, she has eyes!), she’s smexy as hell. Those legs (those heels, those stockings…oh, wait), that cleavage! Seriously, how many boys did she help through puberty? Raise your hand! Thing is, the only thing she wanted to suck was the soul from your body. That’s right, she rose from the grave to collect minions for a much more powerful (less sexy) beast. Do not be taken in by the power of her legs or that cleavage-revealing dress.

7. The sound of that Jacob’s Ladder in the basement means big, nasty science is happening and you should run. Dr. Frankenstein used one, so that means they are nothing more than tools of evil science right? The arcing sounds of a Jacobs Ladder should be the first clue to you that something wicked this way comes. Do not get curious when you hear that sound. Simply run to the police and report that science is happening nearby and the Army should be called in.

8. Bwahaha is fun when typed in a chat, but if the man with the crazy hair utters it repeatedly, that man should be avoided. Yeah, you think it’s all fun and games to drop an evil Bwahahaha on your friend while you’re chatting. But make no mistake, that patented laugh will get you into trouble in the wrong circumstances. And if you hear that echoing, evil laugh repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over, you should know you are dealing with madness. That madness has one goal — take over the world (see #2).

9. If a UFO has a string attached to it, and it wobbles in mid-air, chances are it’s not real. If no string and no wobble — it’s real. There are two different kinds of UFOs: Those with strings attached and those without strings attached. The ones with strings generally are not nearly as effective at taking over the planet. In fact, the UFOs with strings are typically commanded by half-witted, goof-ball evil alien beings. Now, the UFOs without strings, those are some serious bastards and are most likely prepared and capable of doing some wicked science on our asses.

10. It’s okay for men to wear softer things. Ed Wood had his Angora and he wore it proudly. He even made a movie about his love for the softer side (Glenn or Glenda). If B Horror taught us anything it’s that we are not bound by traditional roles society has randomly set up for us. In fact, B Horror has taught us it’s always best to just honor yourself and be who you are — even if that means you want to get in touch with your inner opposite gender.

That’s it! 10 Things we’ve all learned from B-Horror. Now, don’t you want to grab a good Ed Wood film, a nice pinup dress, some popcorn, and enjoy? I know I do. And with that, I give you the trailer for that wonderful homage to B Horror, The Lost Skeleton of Cadavre (if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and do so NOW! Bwahahahahahaha!)