Horror Hunk Hierarchy

We’ve examined the Horror Heroine Hierarchy already, now it’s time to switch the mirror and shine it on the XY chromosomal pair. That’s right people of the Jackverse — menses help make horror just like the womenses do. But how does the XY differ from the XX? Is it a vast chasm of difference, or are the tits and abs that drive the horror genre to the box office so similar it’s getting hard to tell which one gets you goin’?

Let’s open up this can of ‘hey now’ and see what spills out.

Listed in order for which they each buy the farm.

1. The Douchebag is, without question, the most hated protagonist in filmland. The second this guy opens his mouth, we want him dead. And yet he remains — at least for the moment. He is, almost inevitably, the first to die (unless the killer or monster has a thing for couples having sex — at which point the red-shirt hottie will be the first to go). The Douchebag may have a reason for being so despicable — but if we find out why, we might sympathize with his plight. It’s best we just remain ignorant.

2. The Frat Boy the easiest way to differentiate the Frat Boy from the Douchebag (and sometimes the ONLY way) is the popped collar. The Frat Boy is usually nothing more than a rich Douchebag with connections. But what makes us hate the Frat Boy more than the Douchebag is that he actually manages to get laid.

3. The Nerd is the one we all love, but know his brains simply won’t be enough to help him make it to the credits. But the Nerd does usually offer some major solution for a problem and does so being cute and making the nerd lovers in the audience swoon. We hate that the nerd must die, but… he must. The nerd is also very much interested in losing his virginity before he meets his maker. But in a fit of irony, the Nerd dies before the climax of the film. Fitting.

4. The Stoner serves a very good purpose — comic relief. He’s genuine and loveable, but ultimately he’s baked just enough to allow the monster to grab him by the dirty jeans and pull him into the maw of Hell — bong and all.

5. The Jock will always vie for the top spot of the Horror Hunk Hierarchy, but he has one flaw that prevents him from claiming that title — his ego.  The Jock is not always a bad guy — in fact, he’s most often a good guy wrapped in the hardbody outer shell of someone who has been taught to not care or feel. But his athletic ability and strength usually keep him alive until it’s time for the real hunk to take over.

6. The Hero is the man. That’s right. The real hero is usually that nextdoor neighbor guy with little ego but something seriously heroic to live for. Maybe it’s his mother or sister, or maybe the monster took down his best friend or reminds him of the foster father who beat him as a child. The best thing about the hero is that he saves the day and acts as if it’s just another day on the job. And then, he hops on his old, trusty, motorcycle and rides off into the sunset, looking for his next quest.

Well, what do you think? Did I nail or did I blow it? What would you add or change to my list? Speak up my lovelies!