Ah the horror movie heroine. They are, in all honesty, that which drives the horror film forward. They offer the story tension, fear, strength, a good scream, and (in some cases) a layer of sexuality. Without the heroine, horror would have a much harder time competing with modern genre cinema. Of course, with everything, there is a hierarchy to the heroine. I thought I’d offer up my own personal pecking order of the horror movie heroines for your enjoyment.
This order is from the bottom to the top (naturally you have to wade through all else to get to the smexy at the top!)
6. The Wall Flower
You know the one — she stands in the background, most often getting little to no attention from any of the abs, er men, in the film and only sporadically getting any screen time. Most often she’s in either a flower-print dress or pants, and never shows her breasts. She’s innocent until proven dead. The Wall Flower can also be the one in the film that has some magical power or happens to look just like the monster’s mother or sister or lover. Plot convenience theatre.
5. The Slut
It’s almost always the Slut that dies first — usually in the act of coitus. Why? Monsters and serial killers like to get their porn on too! These woman most always have had boob jobs and really like to show the abs, er men, and the camera just how perky they can be.
4. The Brain
Ah the brain. Where would we be without yea? We’d all be dead without a plan. The heroine brain is a special flavor of smart because somehow they are always also very sexy. Take Willow, from Buffy. Brains and Kick ass-ability all wrapped up in an adorkable package (until it was Dark Willow — at which point it was all sexy all day).
3. The Bitch
We all want her dead. She most often is making fun of the wallflower and the brain, but in the end it’s the finger of doom that is mocking her. Now the Bitch is a conundrum. Usually one of the hotter women in the films (or books), the Bitch is either the first to die (and we love it), or one of the last (and we love it).
2. The Innocent
When you need a virgin? Who ya gonna call? The Innocent. Now don’t confuse the Innocent with the Wallflower — they are not always one and the same. Sometimes the Innocent WANTS attention, but doesn’t want THAT much attention. Thing about the Innocent is that most likely she’s a virgin and if there is a demon lying in the wings, that demon will expect that virgin as a sacrifice. If you have a demon and no virgin — you’re ass is in trouble.
1. The Hardass
There must always be a chick that can not only use a gun, but break one down with her eyes closed and kick box a man’s trash back up into his abs. We all love it when the woman can kick the snot out of the big bad (aka Buffy) and not whine about breaking a nail, sweat, or wind. The Hardass isn’t always the last to survive, but if you want the group to make it to the end of the film, you’ll need Miss Hardass to survive as long as possible.
And there you have it. The hierarchy of horror heroines. What do you think? Do you agree with my order? If not, how would you rearrange them?
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