NOTE: This snippet was originally posted on the sniptastic site of the voluptuous Jay Wilburn.
In honor of being a part of this year’s Winter of Zombie blog tour here is a set of short stories written exclusively for the visitors to the tour. These were started back during the Summer of Zombie tour 2015. They’re from the perspective of one Tony the Zombie and his personal gripes against us humans. Typed out by Greg P. Ferrell because really have you ever seen a zombie use a keyboard, it’s not pretty.
A day in my dead life!
By: Tony the zombie
Translated by: Greg P. Ferrell
Hello my prey, I mean friends, once again. It has been awhile since we last talked so let me take a moment to reacquaint myself with you.
I am Tony the zombie and I hate the living. Well maybe hate is a little strong and vague. I enjoy eating the living since that is what I need to do to survive but I really dislike the lengths you make me go through to do just that. In the past I’ve harped on several of your methods in thwarting mine and my fellow undead friends attempts to enjoy your succulent appendages. So in keeping with tradition I will continue on with more of the aforementioned gripes.
Today I’m going to attempt to dissuade you against using water as a means to hide from us. Sure escape by water seems smart to you but to us it is really just a delay in the inevitable. You hop into one of those floating houses and drift away from us thinking we won’t follow. Well you’re wrong, we do follow and inevitably we sink away from your sight. Out of sight out of mind right. Oh no trust me we’re still down we kind of have a one track mind and that’s when it gets interesting for us.
You see we don’t need that invisible air that you breathe to live, we’re not alive remember. So there we are walking along the bottom of the big wet bowl looking up at the bottom of your vessel. Our one track mind keeps us going and we’re not smart enough to turn around and get out. At first it’s no big deal, but then the weird stuff starts to happen. Our skin starts to absorb the water and slowly it starts to dissolve off of us. If left too long we get really bloated and things start to split apart. Then the inhabitants of the water start to come along. They nibble on things and you have no idea how annoying it is to have another creature eat your flesh right in front of your eyes. Oh wait, I guess you do. Whatever moving on.
If we wander down there long enough and haven’t lost too much to the finned monsters there is always the chance to get stuck in the muck on the bottom. That’s just not a fun way to spend eternity looking up at you while becoming a snack bar for anything that swims by.
Slowly we watch you make it back to shore when you think we have all gone away. Then we start the long trek back if possible and the chase resumes on land again. Come on just save us all a lot of time and energy and let us bring you over to our side, we don’t have cookies but we do have all the brains you can eat.
So let’s recap, water bad, letting us eat you good. Simple enough right? Well I have to go I just saw a group of people dressed like clowns run by and I’ve always wanted to try one of them since I heard someone say they tasted funny.
See all the previous chapters here.
Check out Humanity’s Hope by Greg Ferrell.